The City of God, a truly enjoyable movie.
In fact i couldn't find any thing bad with it.
Great story, superb editing and cinematography.
Wonderful acting and sound track.
I am usually a little disdainful of "arty" movies because the "overdone-ness" of the way it was made.
The chinese phrase is called "zuo4 zuo4".
But this one is gritty without being so, and i must say it is the best film i have seen so far in the film fest after The Man without a Past.

Both of you have been with me throughout this ordeal.
Both of you knew what happened.
Knew how i coped with it.
In a way, you both have grown to be my lifejacket.
Supporting me through life.

I don't think they know how much they had helped.
Being with them gave me little breaks which i need.
The only time i had to feel normal other than being at work and at home.
Breaks from life.
So that i can feel normal.
Now both of them have their own lives and i am so happy for them.
They too deserved so much to be happy in their lives.
Its been a long while for them.
They can't be my cocoon forever.
And they shouldn't be.
I am happy that they both each hold on to a little happiness.
I just need to find my own.
Everyone has ventured out of our little protective sphere.
Except me.
I don't have the strength to find new cocoons.
Even going out with people to be sociable takes effort.
With the both of them don't take that much effort because they knew.
I cannot imagine having to go through reciting my problems and my life
to find myself a new life jacket.
Its time to stand on my own i think.

After all the news about being "irresponsible" and "irrational", a mother came to school with her child but omitted to tell us that she is having a fever earlier in the week. Her health declaration form said that she was not having fever, cough and breathlessness. In truth, she has been having a fever AND she has been at the hougang polyclinic involved in the SARS case on the very day. The contact tracing had not reached her yet and her husband, fearing HQO told the mother to "not tell" the school about her fever, but bring the child to school as usual. Imagine our fears when by chance, she told another mother that she has been unwell and was found to have a fever more than 38c. She was then sent home immediately but she and her child has been in school for the last few days.

I cannot imagine how people can be so selfish. We work in an environment with children who cannot help it but may have a tendency to drool, have poor oral hygiene and may bite people. We have close contact with our children because of the nature of our jobs. Here we are, being so careful for the sake of our children so as to not accidentally infect anyone incase we are sick, but there are just some selfish individuals who would put other children and adults at risk. Mind you, our children aren't the most resislient people either.

Appalling.

Later the mother's fever subside and she said doctor certify that she is okie. Thankfully it was not the dreadful SARS. But still, the whole experience is horrible. Imagine if it were to be SARS... Ignorance is not an excuse. It is wilful selfishness and that cannot be condoned.

I don't want to remember Bread and Tulips.
But i do!
What it meant.
What it brought about.
How everything fell down around me in the ensuring weeks.
Less than a month.
27th April til Vesak Day.
All gone.

Why do you keep me trap here?
What are you?
What powers do you have?
Why me?
Why don't you fucking leave me alone?
How much longer do you intend to keep me here?
What do you want with me?
Why?

What's wrong with me?

Good friday was hardly good.
You don't know how much it took from me to go and watch the gospel according to matthew at the film fest.
Don't know how hard it was to stay there.
But then perhaps you do. I know you do.
But it doesn't make it easier.
If only i can tell you what went on in my head.
The fact that you wanted to held my hand at times made it worse.
But that is the perpetual conflict isn't it... wanting to take comfort and yet the very act irks me at times.
Because it led to more questions, doubts about what had happened... before.

I couldn't concentrated on the film.
I can't help looking around fugitively.
Knowing very well that i have no need to.
Why should i? But why do i?
I left in a daze and hardly knew what to say or what to do.
There is really no reason.
But why do i?
What do i want from myself or you?
Sometimes i don't even know.
A beer later and you appeared.
Just on the verge of an abyss and you appeared.
Perhaps you knew how close we got to that edge.
I think you do.
Sometimes better than i. Especially when i am drunk.
Drunk on bad memories.
That i did not know i was falling.

You pulled us back once more.
Ararat.
The man without a past.
Good movies. Enjoyable movies.
Bad speculations came and went in waves,
but i held on to your hand.
Warm and dry, it held on to me.
A tentative grip but still, its there.
I can feel you losing yourself and your strength ebbing.
But i am in no position to help you.
It already took so much from me to not lose myself when i am facing you.
If only i can manage myself better, it would be easy for you too.
Crazily enough, things were slightly better then i am not facing you.
But what i wouldn't give to see you and feel like i used to again.
Without fear and burden.
Some days.
Just some days it seems possible.

Not others.
When will it all come to an end?

What you wrote sort of made me think, though i really don't know how to explain the way some things turn out the way they do. I guess you are not the only person aware of it...

Funny game with domo-kun, this little cute (well, in my opinion) mascot from NHK in japan.
Saw the toy while i was in japan and it looked like this brown hairy box with a big mouth, small eyes and wringing arms.
Sort of like an uglier tasmanian devil.
Well, you got to see it to believe it.

Uncle caught a small snake on monday and along with it came two eggs. We weren't sure if those were snake eggs or were they lizard eggs that the snake was trying to eat but my colleague broke one and it had an slightly developed embroyo on it (well, there was sort of a body and one big eye so its hard to tell what it would have been). The snake must be around the length from the tip of my fingers to my elbow. Quite a feisty little thing and was literally "bouncing" around in the bucket whenever we attempt to pick it up from the bucket. It looked like an ordinary grass snake but my colleagues and I could not agree if it is an small adult snake or a baby snake. In any case, the school uncle didn't think we ought to release it back to the field behind the school while I couldn't knowingly dump the snake in a plastic bag to kill it. Hence me and two other social workers took the snake to MacRichie Reservoir and let it loose near the forested area. When we shook the snake out from the bucket onto the grass, it was surprisingly placid and we could pick it up without it getting all hostile or attempting to bite (though it didn't seem to have teeth, or perhaps small ones). I think my colleague was seriously thinking of keeping it as a pet but in the end we let it go into the bushes, along with the other egg still left intact on the ground.

Actually, after the whole experience, what interest me most was the fact that there were actually people going jogging in the middle of the day in the blazing hot sun at the reservoir. I was quite ready to get heatstroke just by looking at them.

School started and predictably some kids are not going to come to school this week since there are only going to be two days before Good Friday holiday. Still, with lesser children, we already took almost 1/2 hour to visually screen through all the kids and it has not always been easy since some of the children had a difficult time standing still while you screen them. Some of them were quite upset since it has been a while since they have been to school. Quite a hectic day and after 3 weeks of stagnation, time certainly flew by today. I welcome it actually, it is good to finally run around to see my kids now that school has reopened or else i am going to turn into a vegetable after sitting in an empty school for so long.

School is opening on wednesday and we are all geared up setting screening procedures to tackle screening whole busload of children once they come to school. Some problems are to be anticipated but hopefully, it won't be insurmountable.

Crazy things are happening to me.
You say you will get rid of my nightmares...
but how could you when you are part of it?

After viewing the pictures... makes me sick really.

More people came down with SARS.
An occupational therapist working in my school just called today to say that his son and wife has been given quarantine orders because they had gone to this clinic in Bishan where they did a SARS victim tracing. He sounded really worried especially since his son falls sick quite often.

I guess the problem is closer to us than we thought.

Today a truck bearing the name Merlin suddenly cut into my path, forcing me to slam on my brakes.
It is some company that seems to deal with wooden frames.
I swore and honked.
I hate it when it happened.
Some old housing estate block behind the esso gas station is called Merlin Mansion.
Its old and yellow.
The building looks like a relic left over from the early 70s.
Perhaps it is not.
I hate it too.
In fact i hate the name... everything connected to it.
I hate it to the core.
I hate what it has became in my life.
I hate it.
HATE IT.

I do know what hate it.
I really do.

My mom has been following the news about Leslie Cheung's suicide over the chinese papers. She made me buy wan bao back for her everyday. Even though i know artiste are people too, but somehow they seem more of an entity than someone real. I don't know. We watch them on tv, in the movies, listen to them over the radio, read about their lifes on the papers. It is with a gasp of shock when news of suicide, accidents and death comes to us. Somehow, their lives have transcended beyond the ordinary people. Though he has passed on, his life is still so inaccessible... like when he was alive. I guess thats what legends are.

SARS seems to be under control.
School should be starting next week.
Final confirmation to be delivered tomorrow afternoon at 2pm.
The week has been peaceful though i cannot say that i got alot of my work done.

I think i am running out of things to say.
Perhaps i am just comfortable where i am..
Perhaps too much things are happening around us..
Perhaps i am just watchful..
Holding my breath to see what else can happen.. what else will happen.

"The time has come,

For us to talk of many things.

Of kings, cabbages

And flying pigs with wings."

One of his sec4 student started her homework email with this little passage which i thought was pretty apt and clever.
So, what shall we talk about today?

Went to a peace rally at Substation tonight where some friends performed.
Enjoyed some of the poetry but still reeling from the end performance by the above-said friends.
I guess it felt pretty 70s that sort of brings you back to the hippy "peace" era...
I am still trying to sort out how i feel and some of the feelings invoked within.